When you don’t agree about finances, is it a deal-breaker?

Today more than ever, individuals and communities around the world are being adversely impacted by economic uncertainty. Many have lost employment, and therefore their income, due to the pandemic or have been forced to take pay cuts just to hold on to their job. Pew Research has found that more than 1 in 10 U.S. adults have lost a job or wages since the start of the pandemic. This report also found that many will have to postpone retirement due to economic difficulties and will struggle to reach their long-term financial goals.  

During challenging times such as these, individually managing your money is hard enough, but what happens if you don’t agree with your partner on how to spend, save and invest? I’ll give you an example.

My significant other and I have been dating for nearly three and a half years. While we have a wonderful relationship, we couldn’t be more different when it comes to our approach to money. His view is that he works hard for his money, so he should be able to spend it on things he enjoys. Me - on the other hand - I’m an extreme saver. I will save until it hurts and take hours searching online for the best coupon or deal for my seamless order.

I’ll admit, it did worry me when I first realized how different we were in our approach to finances. Because let’s face it, money impacts nearly every aspect of our lives, and once you decide to take that leap of faith and get married, your finances become intertwined. So, ultimately, his approach to money has implications for my finances as well.

But when the panic subsided, I tried to be open about our differences and talk to him about his feelings concerning money. I also took a close look at his actions – was he just spending money where he didn’t have it? Or splurging on items that were utterly useless? I realized that neither was the case.

While it’s certainly led to a fight or two, I strongly believe there is a way to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship while disagreeing on an important topic such as this. So, if you are struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel and are bickering with your partner about how much money they spend, I suggest you follow the following steps:

Sit down and talk it out 

It’s important to open the channels of communication and be honest about how you feel. Talking about finances can be awkward but it’s important to understand where your partner is coming from: Are they a spender, saver, gambler, worrier (find out your money personality type here)? Why do they view money in that way? Try to be as open and understanding as possible, nobody likes to feel attacked and it won’t move the conversation forward in a constructive way.

Understand where concessions can be made

Okay, so you have different views on finances – now what? As it goes with most important issues in a relationship, it’s time to discuss compromises.

Once you have the conversation about how each of you feel and why, talk about what areas you can't budge on and others you can. For example, can you both agree to put 20% of your monthly income into a savings account and the other 80% can be used for rent, food, and other activities? I suggest also creating a spreadsheet so you can understand where all of your money is going and certain areas where each of you could cut back.  

Agree on long-term goals 

Within these conversations, it’s also important to talk about your long-term financial goals. Maybe in 3 years you want to buy your first home, or you want to save a certain amount before you decide to have children. Whatever it is, make sure you are both on the same page about what these goals are, how important they are to you, and how you will reach them together.

In summary.

Despite the many articles stating that this can be a dealbreaker in relationships, in reality, it’s not the end of the world. As long as you both remain open and honest about your approach to money, and are willing to make compromises, then you might even come out of the conversation more connected than before. Handling difficult conversations in a positive and healthy manner can even be a way to strengthen your relationship by setting a precedent for how challenging conversations are approached.  

Lastly, agree to keep the doors open on the conversation. Things change all the time, for example with the loss of a job, so be willing to start the process again as you move through life’s challenges together.